Coming Undone
by Extraho Incendia
Summary: Anders and Justice have been together a long time. Alone. Life becomes more complicated the more people are in it. Eventually communications begin to break down. Eventual F!Hawke/Anders.  Through game events and beyond. Not a novelization.
1. Nice to Meet You Anyway

A/N: This whole fic was inspired by the following lyrics. I think they embody poor Anders and his struggle quite nicely. I did use some of the game scenes. It's hard not to. I wanted to show from the beginning to the end the subtle breakdown that occurs. This will eventually be a f!Hawke/Anders fic through the events of DA2 and beyond the end of the game. It also seemed to me that although Anders said that he couldn't in fact hold a conversation with Justice at several points it seemed as though he had or at least that he actually could. So I'm running with that.

Disclaimer: Hereby disclaimed! I do not own Dragon age or affiliated nonsense forthwith and all that rot. Not for profit just for fun! Enjoy!

X X

X X

_Wait, I'm coming undone  
>Unlaced, I'm coming undone<br>Too late, I'm coming undone  
>What looks so strong, so delicate<br>Wait, I'm starting to suffocate  
>And soon I anticipate<br>I'm coming undone  
>What looks so strong, so delicate<br>__**"Coming Undone" Korn.**_

X X

X X

The boy was near death when his mother brought him in. The illness contracted from bad food or filthy surroundings. Or the rats that are so prevalent down here in the undercity. It doesn't matter really. He needs a healer and a healer is what I am. I've been working on him for almost an hour. Chasing it from his body proves more difficult than I had anticipated but I am not one to easily admit defeat. So I meticulously cleanse him from head to foot. His breathing improves and he opens his eyes. Spent I stumble. Put a hand to my head as though it will alleviate the dizziness and disorientation. Aryk grasps my shoulder steering me toward my quarters at the back of the clinic. He'll continue on without me for a while treating the minor cases with the potions I have stockpiled. I only manage to get a few steps when everything goes quiet. The atmosphere in the clinic changes. I reach for my staff praying to Blessed Andraste for strength that I do not have.

'_At ease Anders I am here if you have need.'_

'_Thanks but maybe you should lay low. Especially after last time.'_

I turn dropping into a defensive stance my staff held out in front of me.

The overall appearance of the group I face is less threatening than the small armory they carry. I assume by her stance that the woman standing at the fore is their leader.

"We just want to talk." Her tone and body language exude a calm control. The smirk on her face says 'If I wanted to kill you you'd already be dead'.

"We're looking for a back door into the deep roads. Heard you might be able to help." The dwarf seems even more laidback than she does and even less put off by my show of aggression.

'_I daresay I'd have garnered a more serious reaction.'_

'_Yes, well, this is better. No steaming melted bodies to clean up.'_

I stow my staff but stay on my guard. "Did the wardens send you? You can tell them to sod off. Bastards made me get rid of my cat."

That catches the woman off guard and she quirks an eyebrow but lets the comment pass. "I didn't realize it was that easy to walk away from the wardens. "

"You can't really." I say feeling a little more at ease. "The deadly taint and exotic nightmares? Permanent. But….turns out if you hide well enough you don't have to wear the uniform or go to the parties."

She laughs. Deeply and without reservation. It's damn contagious.

"I'm Hawke." She says sketching a bow.

"Anders. I'd return the formality but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stand back up again. It's been a very long day."

"About our expedition…" The dwarf raises an eyebrow in question.

'_Finish this quickly Anders. Daylight wanes and we've still to polish our plan for retrieving Karl. Or have you forgotten?'_

'_Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. I'm…..'_ My eyes are drawn to the blades strapped to Hawke's back. Her clothes are plain common tailoring but those blades. They look Antivan. Only someone with true skill would put out such coin for weapons over wardrobe.

"You need a map?"

"Yes." She eyes me warily.

"I have one."

"How very….foruitous."

"I'd like to make a proposal. A favor for a favor. Does that sound fair?"

"I'm fairly swooning with anticipation." She says that smirk firmly back in place.

"I came to Kirkwall to aid a friend. A mage in the Gallows. Help me free him and it's yours as well as any others that might be of use."

'_Are you sure this course is wise? That woman feels like….trouble."_

'_She can't get us into anymore trouble than we'd get into without her. Besides steel is more discreet than magic. Particularly in the Gallows wouldn't you agree?' _

"You had me at Gallows warden," she replies glancing for the barest second at the dark haired girl beside her. "Do you have a plan?"

"Yes. But better we discuss such things in a more private setting. I've quarters in the back."

'_Ever the fool Anders. No good can come of this.'_

I choose to ignore him. Justice and I don't always see eye to eye but it's my body and we have our own deal. He helps me free mages and I give him a home outside the fade. It's worked well so far. Except…there was that one time in Amaranthine…..

I've never had so many people in my private quarters. It's almost not large enough to accommodate. Once situated I reach behind a painting of Andraste sword held aloft and pull a map of the Gallows from a recess in the wall.

"A map for every occasion eh?" The dwarf, Varric, quips a note of approval in his voice.

"Yes," I answer dryly. "I find they come in handy when I'm running for my life."

"Have a lot of experience with that do you?"

"Does the knight commander wear iron smalls?"

He laughs as I spread the map out on a low table and begin to sketch out my plan.

Finding Karl is too easy. After the Templar had learned of my original plan I'd thought that he'd be under lock and key. He stands, his back to us, and he is all alone. I don't understand.

Until he speaks. His tone odd then he turns to me the brand on his brow blazing like the sun.

"No." My throat starts to close.

'_Too late. I'm too late.'_

'_For him perhaps. Let us be away from here. We can return this insult at a more opportune time.'_

"You'll understand Anders as soon as the Templars teach you to control yourself." Karl's face is impassive. Tranquil.

'_This isn't right. He doesn't deserve this'_

'_And neither do we. Prepare yourself Anders it appears we have guests.' _

The Templar swell out of nowhere cutting off the stairs and hemming us in like cattle for the slaughter. Hawke and her companions close ranks and draw weapons.

"No!" This can't be happening. _'Not me. Not tonight!' _The anger inside me is a wellspring threatening to drown me. I fall to my knees clutching my head.

'_No not tonight. Rise Anders!' _

I do not respond fast enough and sensing the danger to our shared person Justice rises in my stead.

"You will never take another mage as you took him." His power surges through me raw and heady.

With grim satisfaction he unleashes our fury on the Templar. He wields our body like Hawke wields her blades full of confidence and deadly accuracy.

When there are nothing left but cooling corpses he releases me retreating back into the recesses of my mind.

'_You are not yet finished Anders.' _

I am not. I give Karl the mercy he seeks. The act is just another stain on my soul. I feel empty.

Back at the clinic I find a woman holding a small child and two men holding up a third who is leaking blood from a wound in his abdomen.

'_It seems we will be able to do some good yet this night. The maker sees even small things Anders.'_

'_Is that all I'll ever be good for? The small things? I should have gotten there sooner.'_

'_As foresight is not one of the gifts the Maker chose to bestow upon you I fail to see how you could have done anything more. Keep this close and use it at fuel should you begin to flag.'_

'_Yes. Yes I will. For now… the small things.'_ I open the doors to the clinic and gesture the others to follow. I smile knowing it doesn't reach my eyes and speak in low soothing tones. I am grateful for the chance to lose myself for a while in the familiar cadence of healing.


	2. A Friend in Need

Wait  
>I'm coming undone<br>Irate  
>I'm coming undone<br>Too late  
>I'm coming undone<br>What looks so strong so delicate  
>Wait<br>I'm starting to suffocate  
>And soon I anticipate<br>I'm coming undone  
>What looks so strong so delicate<br>"Coming Undone"-Korn

X X

X X

Justice and I don't speak of what happened in the chantry. How he'd simply pushed past and taken over. That treads down a path that can only lead to mistrust. A bad situation at the best of times.

Life for me finds a new rhythm. I still tend to the clinic though I've had to take on a bit more help. I am still very active in the underground. Sometimes to the point that I feel like I _am _the underground.

It also happens on occasion that I accompany Hawke on one of her excursions. I had a friend once. In the wardens back in Amaranthine. I used to tell her all I wanted out of life was a pretty girl, a decent meal and the right to shoot lightning at fools. Traveling with Hawke gives me all of those things. To varying degrees.

It also gives me an escape. A chance to be myself for a while. To forget that down below there are people dying in my clinic and I can't always save them.

There are mages in the gallows suffering and I can't always save them.

Sometimes I even remember that I used to be a man not merely a cause.

Justice does not always approve.

But then I've never been one to fall in line.

'_Another job? You are aware that there are others in the city that might benefit from your attention?'_

'_I owe her. It won't take that long anyway. A quick jaunt to the docks to deal with a band of slavers. You hate slavers.'_

'_That's hardly the point. You've been spending an inordinate amount of time dragging us along behind her. She has other companions.'_

'_It seems more prudent follow her than make her walk all the way to the clinic afterwards. I doubt we'll get paid if she bleeds to death before she gets there." _I roll my eyes and heave a sigh. _"The woman is far too reckless. Thinks she'll live forever.'_

'_She might with you patching her every papercut. Fool.' _

After the slavers it's the gangs and after the gangs it's the deep roads. Maker if I never see the blighted deep roads again I'll count it a blessing and after that….

The woman is never still. There always seems to be something else to do. Someone else to save. No task to large or small. People are drawn to her as evidenced by our growing band of misfits.

A former Tevinter slave with the power to reach in and rip out someone's heart.

An Elvhen blood mage. That one is undoubtedly questionable.

A half barbarian pirate queen with a bad habit of bed hopping. I've had to cure the results of that more than once.

The captain of the city guard. A loyal and honest friend.

The dwarf who's in love with his crossbow and plays a fierce hand of Wicked Grace. I should know he beats me at it twice a week.

And me the abomination with a heart of gold. Tarnished as it may be.

How can I deny her when she denies no-one? Even at risk of her own safety.

I do not abandon my cause. I still create the odd pox breakout among the Templar recruits. But more often than not you can find me at her side my staff as much a weapon as her blades or healing the other's from afar. Like now.

Our opposition is heavily armored and just as heavily armed. I attack from a short distance behind the others with fire and ice. Send out a psychic blast to disorient. Fenris goes down on one knee holding his side. He growls out loud when I heal him. I chuckle to myself. I expect no thanks from the elf and receive none.

'_Ungrateful wretch. Why do you do this? Our time would be better spent finding a way into the Gallows without being seen.'_

'_We've been through this. Working with Hawke brings in coin. Coin funds the clinic. The clinic, if you recall, helps screen our other…..activities.'_

I cup my hands around a fireball. Feed it quickly then hurl it at the crowd that's formed around Varric. They are blown backward allowing the dwarf to bring his crossbow to bear. "Nice one Blondie!"

'_Bah! We did fine before she came along.'_

'_Did we? And what of the connections she's helped us get? Guardsman Aveline and Varric to name a few. Have you noticed the lack of Templar outside the clinic of late? Or don't you bother to use our eyes?'_

'_I'll tell you what I see when I look out _our _eyes. That bitch's arse that's what. The Wounded Coast has some breathtaking scenery not that you've noticed.'_

And there's the rub. I have become very aware of Hawke. Beyond what a friend would be. Not much to be done about it either way. She has an agenda as do I and I don't think they'll fit together.

'_Quiet now. You're distracting me.' _

The pulse he sends through my body has the effect of a sucker punch to the gut knocking the wind out of me and causing my vision to blur. I recover in time to duck a blow from a Templar broadsword that would have taken my head.

'_**That **__was a distraction.'_ He says clearly agitated.

I refuse to rise to the bait. Instead concentrating on what's going on around me.

I begin to question the wisdom of joining with him. It had seemed the perfect solution at the time. The longer we are together the more difficult things become.

I've begun to see things differently. Not quite so black and white.

When Hawke speaks of finding less subversive and more permanent ways to accomplish my goal I want to listen.

Justice whispers to me then. Reminds me why we started this whole thing in the first place. The beatings and starvation and endless days in damp dark rat infested holes. It's hard to reconcile the two lines of thought. It drives him mad when I try.

Even more so when my thoughts turn to her in a different way. During the deepest part of the night as I lie sleepless below her manor in Hightown wondering if she is restless too and what might happen if I were to knock on that door and _tell_ her.

"_Tell her what? That you moon over her like an untried lad? That she occupies your mind sometimes to the exclusion of all else? Always the fool."_

"_And why not? I can't be any worse than those prissy nobleman that prance along after her. With their soft lazy hands and over-coiffed hair. They can't protect her like I can."_

"_You forget your place Apostate. She's a noble. You're the help. And what have you to offer anyway? The only ending your story has is the one where you follow your tainted blood into the deep roads."_

And the time that I have left before that inevitability grows shorter everyday. That is unless I'm caught out earlier. I wonder if a tranquil warden still hears his Calling.


	3. Figthing with Myself

Wait  
>I'm starting to suffocate<br>And soon I anticipate  
>I'm coming undone<br>What looks so strong so delicate

I'm  
>Trying to hold it together<br>Head is lighter than a feather  
>Looks like I'm not getting better<br>Not getting better  
>"Coming Undone"-Korn<p>

X X

X X

Time passes and the events at the chantry become a distant memory. I do what I can when I can and try not to call too much attention to myself.

I am quite successful until I come upon some information about a Templar called Alrik. If he has his way every mage in Kirkwall will be made tranquil and that I can't allow. If I can get my hands on some sort of proof I could bring it before the Grand Cleric. Then she'd have to see what Kirkwall's mages are subject to.

I keep my ear to the ground. Eventually I get a lead on when and where to find him. This time it's my turn to call on Hawke for assistance.

Beneath the Gallows in a forgotten dungeon he has cornered a young mage. She trembles supplicant before him. Pleading for mercy for her life because she had wanted to see her mother. What has the world come to?

"What do we do to mages who lie?" Alrik's voice leaves a greasy feel in the air.

'_She's no more than a girl Anders.'_

He hasn't spoken to me in weeks nowI feel a familiar rush. My head spins. "No. No, this is their place we cannot…"

'_We cannot stand aside!' _He opens a floodgate of fury washing me out as he assumes control.

"Never again!"

The Templar turn drawing swords even as they do. Hawke and the others respond in kind. And I am carried along as Justice uses my hands to maim and mutilate. Rend and burn and smash. The stink of charred flesh and the copper tang of blood fill the air but instead of stopping or even slowing after such an expenditure of power he seems to grow more hostile ranting and pacing until I can't take anymore.

'_Enough! I've had enough!'_ I struggle against his hold.

'_It will never be enough. Not as long as even one Templar yet draws breath.'_

"I'll kill them all! Every rotting one of them."

My heart smashes against the walls of my ribcage. '_We cannot win by becoming what they already say we are.'_

'_We cannot win by sitting idly by. What would you have of me if not this? Tell me mage.'_

'_I…'_

'_As I thought.' _

"Every one of them will burn."

I draw in mana redouble my efforts to take control. He fights me like he never has before. Trying to keep me pinned down.

He rounds on the girl towering over her as she trembles and begs. Hawke is pleading also. "This girl is who we are fighting for."

'_Listen to her! This girl is not our enemy.'_ His grasp loosens the slightest bit.

"She is theirs. She stinks of chantry and obedience and loyalty. She'll tell them of us if we let her leave."

'_I won't let you do this.' _My nose starts to trickle blood.

'_You cannot stop me.'_ He raises our hand gathering power into that limb.

'_Let. Her. Alone!' _I am force of my own. I think he forgets that sometimes. I redirect the power he's aiming toward the mage girl pulling it within and using it to catapult him back into the darkness. As the magic slams back into me I collapse. The pain is near unbearable. Shards of glass grind together inside my skull. Liquid fire careens through my veins.

I fight the gorge rising in the back of my throat and the dizziness threatening to send me to the fade. Maker what have I become?

Filled with fear and shame I do the only thing I can think of. I run.

Back to the clinic. My sanctuary. I can't stay here. Not now.

I grab a chest and start packing.

'_This serves no one you know. Running like a child from the boggles under your bed. We can still make a difference here.'_

'_Shut up! I have nothing to say to you.'_

'_I've plenty to say for the both of us. You were wrong back there. As you are wrong now. Coward.'_

'_The only thing I'm afraid of is you taking over again. You've become a danger to everyone.'_

'_Perhaps the fault lies with you. You've become soft ever since you started running with that bitch. You made an _oath_ "freedom for mages no matter the cost". You said you'd do anything. Kill anyone to achieve that. Now you simper and whine. Falling in line with her other lackeys does she so much as bend a finger. You sicken me.'_

'_It was never supposed to be like this. What you're doing. Dear Maker I have more blood on my hands than I do in my body.'_

'_And more still if I've anything to do with it. Fickle Void and Damnation speak of the bitch and she appears. I'll leave you to your simpering I haven't the stomach for it today.'_

I am so glad of the silence I almost cry.

Hawke brings me Alrik's papers. She'd known what they meant to me so she had stayed behind to search for them. Against my better judgment I don't immediately send her away. Talking to her lifts a weight from my shoulders.

"You _were_ out of control," she says no trace of anger on her face or in her voice, "but you heard me. You heard me and you stopped."

If she only knew what it had cost me to do so.

"You have too much faith in me." More than I'll ever have in myself. "How can I continue to fight for them when I am a shining example of why they are feared?"

Then she smiles and everything fades into the background even what she's saying. What I'm saying, because in her eyes I see a reflection of my own heart. Despite the fact that I am what I am. Apostate. Rebel. Abomination. In short a man without a future.

When she hands me the papers her fingers brush mine lingering long enough for it to be deliberate. I make up my mind to tell her how I feel. How I've felt for the last three years. Not now in front of the others but soon.

I am surprised to see her a few days later. Alone. Justice is not. I don't think I'll ever understand how he knows when she's near.

No, he is neither surprised nor pleased. My head begins to pound.

'_Maker, must she come sniffing around here every spare minute? Can she not bother one of her other cohorts? You are a fool for continuing this nonsense. Cats and milk and that woman.'_

'_So you're speaking to me again?'_

'_It seems I have little choice. As no one else can hear me. Send her away and let's go start a riot.' _

'_Are you mad? It's the middle of the day you bloodthirsty bastard. Do you want us to hang? Wouldn't be able to subvert the Templar with our neck stretched.'_

'_Better the hangman than another day listening to you moon over her. Haven't the balls to do anything else. What's the point? You allow her to distract and divert us from our cause and without anything to gain! More fool you. Give me half a chance and I'll take what you want then maybe you can leave off this ridiculousness and we can get back to work.'_

'_You….'_

"What are you doing?" She asks and I can hear her smiling.

I take a breath to steady myself. Wincing a bit when I stand.

"I keep hoping one of the strays will make a home here but I haven't seen one in a while." I turn to her. The pressure behind my eyes becomes a little more intense.

'_Nothing good can come of this.'_ He reminds me. Unnecessarily.

'_You say that often.'_

'_You often give me reason.'_

"What brings you down today?" I look her over quickly searching for signs of an injury. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine Anders." She fidgets a bit toeing the dirt floor in a very unHawkelike manner. She seems almost nervous. "I…well I came to check on _you_. The Templars have been coming down harder lately and I…oh void take it. I was worried." Her cheeks flush and she looks away quickly.

It's that flush that undoes me. It says more than a thousand words. I pull her to me cupping her face in my hands. Her cheeks are warm. Her lips. But her mouth is hot and sweet and Andraste's flaming sword I could lose myself. Justice begins to protest. Somehow I find the strength to quiet him and the will to pull away.

Her lips are swollen and it's all I can do not to carry her to my quarters and make good on the promise that kiss held.

I check myself. Take a steadying breath. "I have a few things to take care of here but I'll come tonight. Later. If you've changed your mind…," it might kill me, "just bar the door. I'll understand."

She trails her fingers across my cheek. I turn my face into her palm pressing a kiss there. Then she is gone leaving the scent of cinnamon in her wake.


End file.
